


Something Lost and Something Given

by Brenna_Fae



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bottom Castiel, But only cause it didn't come up in the story because in the future they'll totally both be switches, Closeted Character, Did I mention self harm?, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Misunderstandings, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Therapy, Top Dean, m/m/f sorta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 06:54:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12882489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brenna_Fae/pseuds/Brenna_Fae
Summary: Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester are best friends. Inseparable really. There's just one problem.Castiel Novak loves his best friend. Who happened to be straight.But Castiel can make it work. He can keep it locked down. But when he realizes he hasn't been doing as great a job as he thought he starts to panic. Then it's all about to come crashing down around him.So Castiel makes a decision that fixes everything.Until it doesn't.Until Castiel finds all the wrong ways to deal with what he's done, what he continues to do.Until Castiel breaks.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to just be a short drabble. I don't even remember what put this in my head at the time. It was literally going to end with Chapter One but I can't do endings that are unhappy. So I was gonna do a short part two. The first part was gonna be One Time Castiel Threw It Away. The second part was gonna be One Time Castiel Gave It Away. It was mainly gonna be the last chapter with a little bit of the second to last.
> 
> I...suck at writing short drabbles.
> 
> So here is...not a drabble. *shrug*
> 
> Also PLEASE heed the tags. I'm not joking about the self harm. It's not crazy graphic but it was enough to have me squirm when I had to write the dialogue talking about it.
> 
> Also apologies for it being light on the smut. My smut writing muscles are a bit atrophied. 
> 
> As always, if you liked this please comment, kudo, share etc. <3
> 
> Visit me on tumblr: spnbrennafae or twitter: @brenna_fae

Castiel was almost to homeroom when he realized he’d left his history project in Dean’s back seat. Groaning he spun on his heel and headed back towards the gym. Last thing he wanted was to have to see Gordon _again_. Once a day was more than enough as far as Castiel was concerned. Why Dean was friends with him, Castiel just couldn’t fathom.

Pushing through the locker room doors, Castiel was about to round the corner when he heard his name and stilled.

“What about him?” Dean’s voice floated around the bank of lockers.

“You really need to tell the dude he’s got no chance. Maybe he’ll back off a bit and stop messing with your social life.” Gordon said as a locker was banged shut.

“Dude, you’ve completely lost me.” Dean’s muffled voice replied.

“Dean, seriously. He follows you around like a little puppy. His face turns the shade of a tomato any time you compliment him. Open your eyes.”

Castiel’s stomach clenched uncomfortably.

“He’s my best friend. Course we’re together a lot. What’s wrong Walker? Jealous you ain’t my numero uno?” Dean joked.

“Seriously man. You can’t be this dense.”

“Look.” Dean bit out, his temper showing. “You. Are _wrong._ For starters, he’s straight.”

“Right, he tell you that?” Gordon laughed, clearly not buying it.

“He didn’t have to. Guy has more girls hangin round him than I do. No way they stick around with all the other competition if he ain’t a great, _straight_ , lay.” Dean’s words were slightly muffled and Castiel could tell he must have just stripped out of his shirt and put on the battered AC/DC shirt he favored for cardio day.

“But has he ever actually _said_ he’s screwing any of them?” Gordon pressed. “Cause I’d put good money on the fact that he isn’t.”

“I’ll ask him.” Dean said simply, clearly ready to put the conversation to bed.

“Like he’s not gonna lie through his teeth.” Gordon scoffed.

“He can’t. Can’t lie to me. Never been able to. Shoulda seen him the year my parents wanted to throw me a surprise party and made the mistake of telling him. Knew something was up the second he opened his mouth.”

“Fine. Ask the little puppy if he’s a virgin.” Gordon grunted as if picking up something heavy. “Wait, ask him if he’s ever banged a chick. Gotta make sure he isn’t claiming to not be a virgin cause he let his pastor stick a dick up his ass after Sunday school.”

“Dude, shut the fuck up. That isn’t funny.” Dean growled as he slammed his locker shut.

“Whatever man. Just ask him. And if you figure out that I’m right? You gonna cut him loose? Cause let me tell you, you keep passing on a fine piece of ass like you did last night so you can watch a movie with _Cas_ and people are gonna talk.”

“If you’re right, which you aren’t, then I’ll deal with it.” Dean’s voice was moving closer.

Castiel had just a few seconds to cross the room and hide behind another bank of lockers. He barely made it in time as he watched Dean and Gordon leave the gym carrying their equipment out to the field for their first period workout. Thankfully they were the only players on the football team that had first period free so the gym was empty.

Which gave Castiel a place to quickly break down. Dean was totally right. Since the day they met Castiel had never been able to tell so much as a white lie to Dean Winchester without getting caught. If Dean came to him today and asked him if he’d ever had sex with a woman there would be no way to convince him that he had. Unsurprising really, since he’d been in love with his best friend since the fifth grade when he realized the reason he enjoyed wrestling with his friend had nothing to do with learning to defend himself from bullies.

And if Dean figured that out it would ruin everything. The years that Castiel had spent quietly pining, happy to take what he could get. Savoring every smile that was just for him, every whispered confessed in the dead of night as the two lay shoulder to shoulder in Dean’s twin size bed. Even the ones that hurt. Dean’s first crush had made his guts twist hot and painful, even as Castiel thanked the universe that it was _him_ that Dean had trusted with the info. Dean losing his virginity to Lisa in the ninth grade felt like a part of him was ripped out as he listened to every detail, barely making it til Dean was asleep before bolting to the bathroom to throw up the ice cream sundae they’d shared after dinner.

The first time he thought it might not be too bad to die was the night that Dean whispered in his ear that he was in love with his girlfriend Cassie. At first Castiel had almost relished having similar names, pretending in his head that when Dean was talking so sweetly about her it was really just a nickname for him. Then it got old and just started to hurt _knowing_ it wasn’t him. But it never felt so bad as when he had to hear the soft “I love Cassie.” breathed against his ear. Still Castiel listened as Dean talked about his realization. About his plans to tell her. About the future he saw with her. Sure, he had included Castiel in those visions, but only to acknowledge that he wasn’t abandoning their plans to go to college and room together when they graduated high school. Castiel had been more grateful than ever for the dark, as it hid the tears on his face from Dean.

Still, Castiel had survived all that. Cassie was gone. Lisa was gone. Sure, Dean had what seemed like an endless supply of females for hooking up, but no one that Dean felt the need to confess his feeling for. Castiel was the one left standing.

He couldn’t let that have all been for nothing. All that suffering only for Dean to cut ties with him now.

After a couple of shaky breaths Castiel pulled out his phone and dialed, an impressive feat considering how difficult it was forcing his numb fingers to respond. He put the phone up to his ear and waited.

“Hello Meg.” he said when the other end picked up.

That’s how Castiel Novak lost his virginity, in a closet amongst the cleaning supplies. Bleach would never again remind him of clean things. The location was ironically appropriate, he supposed. If he had to picture green eyes and well toned muscles covered in smooth freckled skin just to get up and get off, no one needed to know.

So when Dean approached Castiel at lunch and attempted to ask him casually if he’d ‘gotten any pussy’ Castiel was able to laugh and say “Of course, Dean.” And all was right in the world again. At least as right as it was before.

And if Castiel went home after school, took a shower so hot it almost blistered and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening sobbing into his pillow over what he’d lost, no one needed to know.

Especially not Dean Winchester.


	2. Chapter 2

Only things weren’t all right with the world.

Dean may have bought it but clearly Gordon hadn’t. Every time he was around Castiel could feel his watchful stare. He was careful to act as normal as possible while still being mindful to not look at Dean too long, not to touch Dean so often, even casual friendly gestures.

Then there was Gordon’s subtle attempts at separating the two, inviting Dean to parties last minute in hopes he wouldn’t be able to get ahold of Castiel. As if. The matchmaking was less subtle. Dean already had a steady supply from his own pond of girls but when he didn’t have plans with one of them Gordon was bringing along some beautiful girl or another that would disappear with Dean eventually.   


So Castiel did the second lowest thing he’s ever done. He started inviting Meg along too. He told himself it was because he liked spending time with her and not just so he wouldn’t spend half the time he was out with Dean alone, wilting under Gordon’s smug looks. The fact that he chose the one girl he'd slept with from all the girls that liked to hang out with Castiel at school didn't mean anything.   


Thankfully Castiel’s guilt didn't have much time to grow. It took a grand total of one night out for Meg to pick up on what was happening. When she confronted Castiel about it she was gentle and calm, a side of Meg he’d never seen before. Something about the way that she spoke with such care had him breaking down and confessing everything, apologizing over and over for using her so he wouldn’t have to lie to Dean. He half expected her to run off and tell everyone but instead Meg offered to hang out more. Any time he felt he needed a buffer. When Castiel hesitated she made sure to make it clear she had no interest in repeating the closet incident. Castiel couldn’t help but apologize again, assuming it had been bad for her but she was quick to correct him. She let him know that considering he was a first timer it had been some of the best sex she’d had and if it weren’t for the fact that having sex with him knowing he was gay and not into it was a little too rapey for her then she would be all over it.

Castiel thought this would make things good again. He could have Dean in the same way he had before but without the suspicion and fear of discovery.

But it didn’t work.

As much as he cared about Meg, that day often popped into his head when he was low. Sometimes it would even make an appearance in his nightmares. Sometimes it would be exactly as he remembered it, scalding shower and wallowing in bed and all. Sometimes it would mutate. The worst ones were when he would dream of Dean and himself standing side by side as they worked their way through dozens of women, Dean cheering Castiel on for being a real man and Castiel unable to look away from where Dean pressed into person after person like it was nothing.

Every time Castiel would wake up sick to his stomach and desperately in need of a shower. The worst times though, were the ones where he would wake up hard and leaking. It didn’t matter that subconsciously he  _ knew _ it was because he had just been picturing Dean naked and having sex. He couldn’t take care of his erection the way he used to after an erotic dream. It felt too much like a reward. Cold showers didn’t get you clean so those didn’t sound appealing. They also didn’t feel like enough of a punishment.

So Castiel developed a ritual. First he’d go to the kitchen and fill a towel with ice. Instead of using the towel as a buffer and allowing the cold to do its work gradually Castiel would use it to hold the ice in as he pressed it directly to his erection, not only killing it quickly but causing himself a fair amount of pain as well. He told himself he was careful enough that it wouldn’t actually cause any damage but he knew that he wouldn’t really care if it did. Maybe even a small part of him hoped it would, that he’d lose all ability to get it up. Maybe it’d even fall off. Problem solved.

After torturing himself with the ice Castiel would make his way to the bathroom and put the water up as hot as it would go. He started off just scrubbing with a washcloth but then he discovered the stiff loofa his sister had once told him was for exfoliating. He found with enough pressure he could really scrub himself raw to the point where he almost felt clean again.

To her credit Meg saw immediately that Castiel was getting worse, not better. He started drinking at social events, at first just a beer, supposedly to fit in. But then it was a couple. Then it was liquor. Dean, as a good a guy as he was, only saw this as Castiel loosening up, finally being the little delinquent Dean’d been trying to convince him to be. Still Meg held her tongue and made sure both drunk friends made it home and that one of them didn’t say something he’d regret.

Dean  _ did _ start to notice when Castiel began to withdraw though. He’d always been fairly quiet in groups but when it was just the two of them he was a regular chatter box. The day he monologued for almost an hour about the importance of bees will long stand in Dean’s memory. So when he had less and less to say to Dean, Dean began to worry. Of course a Winchester can’t just take the direct route. So instead he went behind Castiel’s back and asked Meg.

Meg, of course, deflected all of Dean’s questions. But that didn’t mean she was just gonna leave it alone. So the next time she got Castiel alone she confronted him. Told him how worried she was, more importantly that Dean was getting worried. She thought what she had been doing was helping but clearly going along with the facade only made things worse. Meg tried to impress upon Castiel the fact that if Dean is half as decent a person Castiel thinks then he’d never turn on a friend for who they were.

Still, Castiel refused. Wouldn’t risk losing Dean. So Meg did the only thing she felt she could, she threatened to tell Dean herself. She did it knowing that she was risking the only real friendship she had. And she was right. At first Castiel told her that if she did it then they were done, but as much as it would hurt her Meg was far more concerned with Castiel’s welfare. The loss would be worth it if it helped him get better.

Then Castiel pulled his ace. He told Meg if she opened her mouth not only would he tell her ultra religious parents how he lost his virginity or how it  _ wasn’t _ how their daughter had lost hers he would show them all the text messages she had sent him. They’d see messages about alcohol, drugs. Even pictures that ranged from risque to pornographic when she would ask his opinion on her latest purchase or they would gossip about the dude she bagged at the frat party she went to.

They both knew if Meg’s parents saw those pictures she would be sent off to an all girls Catholic school. They also both knew that even though he threatened it Castiel could never  _ really _ go through with it. Unfortunately Meg couldn’t take that chance and she couldn’t forgive Castiel for making the threat. So she kept her mouth shut, but she also cut ties to Cas.

Of course Dean latched onto this development as the reason for Cas’ recent moods and assumed they had been having trouble. In true Dean Winchester fashion he decided the best way for Castiel to get over it was to jump back in the saddle a mere two weeks after Meg disappeared from their social circle. 

For better or worse, it would change everything.


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel was sitting in the corner of the finished basement of Bela Talbot’s house, working through a six pack all by himself. Dean, who’d disappeared not long after they’d gotten to the party, walked up to him with a shit eating grin on his face.

“Hey Cas, got a surprise for you man.” Dean said as he leaned in close to be heard over the cacophony of music and voices. 

Luckily Castiel was a pro at suppressing the shiver that Dean’s proximity and whiskey smooth voice always caused. He stood up, managing to only wobble a little, before he found himself being dragged by a laughing Dean up the stairs to the main part of the house. Castiel was quickly swept up in his enthusiasm and was laughing himself when they came to a stop in front of a door.

Castiel nearly choked on his laughter when Dean pushed the door open and he saw Bela herself lounging across the foot of a bed in nothing but a matching set of lacy black panties and bra.

“Dean...what-” Castiel started to ask as the beer in his belly revolted.

Dean clasped Castiel’s shoulder with a strong hand and gently pushed him into the room before he stepped in and closed the door behind them.

“Hello Castiel.” Bela said with a smirk as she trailed a finger up and down her bare hip. “Dean here tells me you know how to show a girl a good time. Though between the two of you, you might be  _ just _ enough to handle me.”

Castiel tore his eyes away from Bela to look at Dean, who’s face was a strange mix of lust and the open enthusiasm of a boy giving his girl a puppy. He knew with every fiber of his being that this was bad with a capital B. But Castiel Novak had never been able to say no to Dean Winchester.

“What...what do you want me to do.” Castiel asked quietly, eyes cast down so he was looking at Dean’s collar bone instead of in the eye.

When both Dean and Bela laughed at that, the rolling in Castiel’s stomach increased and he vaguely noticed a soft buzzing noise building around him.

“Well, how bout this. Why don’t we have Bela present herself all pretty like for us and I’ll start by fucking that hot little pussy while you give her somethin’ to do with her mouth. If you can hold off long enough, and no one will be surprised if you can’t with her talented mouth, then you can take over pounding her when I’m done. Only girl I’ve ever been with that actually gets off from getting stuffed.” Dean said, his words crude but his tone not unkind.

It was clear there was some sort of history here, even if it wasn’t a traditional relationship.

“Oh...um. Okay.” Castiel stammered.

Evidently that was enough encouragement because before he knew it Bela was up on her hands and knees and Dean was stalking towards her, unzipping his pants and reaching in to pull his hard cock out through the slit of his boxers. Castiel couldn’t help but stare as Dean got up on the bed to kneel behind Bela, slipping a condom out of his pocket as he went. Watched as he tore it open and rolled it over his length. It wasn’t the first time Castiel had seen Dean exposed but it  _ was _ the first time he’d seen him fully aroused. 

Castiel swallowed hard as Dean shifted forward and pushed slowly into Bela, not even taking the time to remove her panties, just pushing them to the side. By the time he’d fully sheathed himself Bela was moaning like she was being paid for it. At least Castiel wouldn’t have to explain why seeing Dean like this had him near bursting in his pants. Not being able to get it up for a girl was also not something he would have to explain.

Maybe…

Maybe this could be enough. Sharing this with Dean. It wouldn’t be using Dean if they were both a part of it. Castiel pushed hard at the images that started to come. The ones that flood his dreams almost nightly and send him into a spiral of self hate, of being so close to Dean but not having him, forcing himself to…

No. Not now.

“Come on now Cassie, no need to be shy. I can’t  _ wait _ to get a taste of you, darling.” Bela purred as she licked her lips, her whole body moving as Dean thrust into her from behind.

Swallowing back the bile that was trying to make its way up his throat Castiel moved forward on shaky legs, his hand moving to his own zipper. Bela was close enough to the edge on this side that Castiel could stand in front of her without having to get up on the bed. As he opened the front of his pants and reached in to pull himself out Castiel wondered if someone had left a window open. The roar of wind from heavy traffic seemed to be growing louder and louder.

When Castiel leaned forward he looked down to watch where he was going and was surprised to see that Bela’s face was blurry, the colors slowly swimming around.

Why was it so loud? Someone should really close that window. Weird though, with Bela’s house being at the end of a cul de sac.

Castiel wasn’t sure if he had moved close enough or if Bela had leaned forward but all of a sudden he felt wet heat wrapping around the head of his erection, a soft tongue flicking against the tip and…

And…

wrong. Wrong. WRONG.

He was going to be sick.

Castiel couldn’t remember actually pulling away but next thing he knew he was standing in the hallway looking desperately for any place that he could eject the contents of his stomach with some dignity. The roaring he heard was near deafening, making his head feel close to bursting.

Somehow Castiel managed to find his way to the kitchen, which was blissfully empty, just in time to purge himself of the alcohol he’d been drinking like water. Still, the roaring kept on and he felt like his skin was covered in tiny little beetles, skittering around, moving to concentrate over the damn erection that refused to go away and was still protruding obscenely and accusingly from his open pants.

Cas’ vision was growing more and more hazy, he was pretty sure he wasn’t breathing but couldn’t remember how to, when it suddenly became crystal clear. His eyes had landed on the back of the sink where a shining round pad of steel wool sat. Without another thought Castiel grabbed it and stumbled out of the kitchen, foregoing ice. He didn’t deserve to numb himself first.

On instinct alone Castiel managed to find a bathroom. He turned the shower on and twisted the knob all the way up before stripping. The scalding water barely even registered through the fog, the pain there but like it was happening to someone else. It overcame him like a tidal wave though, when metal scraped against vulnerable flesh.

As everything went black, Castiel could swear he heard someone calling his name.


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel groaned as he stretched, not ready to wake up and face the day. His head was pounding and his throat felt like he’d swallowed rocks. Then there was a dull ache that sparked in his groin as he shifted under the blankets. The arm draped across his chest tightened as he moved and -

Wait.

What?

As Castiel blinked his eyes open the arm moved and then a hand was cupping the side of his face, thumb brushing gently along his cheekbone. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment, until his eyes focused on the small dent in the ceiling made a few years ago by a baseball tossed a little too high.

Dean’s ceiling.

Castiel began to shake uncontrollably as he not only realized where he was but also remembered what had happened. At least up until the shower. How he’d gotten from then and there to here and now was a complete blank.

“Shhh Cas, you’re okay buddy.” Dean’s voice, soft and soothing right next to Castiel’s ear as his arm shifted again to pull Castiel in tight.

“What-” Castiel started before he had to stop to clear his throat. “What happened?”

“What do you remember?” Dean asked as he lifted a hand and gently pressed to turn Castiel so he was facing Dean.

“Umm” Castiel could feel his face heating with shame, unsure of how much Dean had seen. If there was a god then maybe Dean had walked into the bathroom to find Castiel passed out on the floor or something. “I remember getting into the shower.”

“So you… you probably remember what you were doing then when I came in?” Dean asked hesitantly.

After a few moments of quiet Castiel finally answered.

“Kinda. I don’t actually remember when you came in though.”

“Okay then. I should...Look, there’s some stuff I’m gonna tell you, and maybe I shouldn’t. But I need you to know because there’s some stuff I’m gonna tell you about me too, after. I know I shoulda probably brought you to the hospital but I just… I needed time to talk to you first.”

Castiel could feel his stomach filling with lead. This was it. Whatever happened, whatever Dean saw, whatever Castiel said, this was the end. The fact that Dean’d brought him here and had him wrapped up and protected like this when he’s probably completely repulsed just showed what kind of man Dean was. Even when Castiel had completely ruined everything Dean was still gonna make sure he was okay. It only made the fact that he was about to lose Dean hurt that much more.

“So, it took me a second to catch on to what the hell had just happened and to… put myself back together.” Dean shifted uncomfortably, his grip on Castiel tightening further. “I saw you book it from the kitchen to the bathroom. I followed you but when you went in and closed the door I figured you needed a minute. Then I heard the shower turn on and a little bit later I heard… I didn’t know what it was, just these soft little cries, like someone was in pain but something more. I got worried so I opened the door. That’s when-”

Dean stopped speaking and Castiel watched his face, looking for the disgust. Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he continued, eyes still shut.

“That’s when I saw you had a wad of steel wool in your hands. You’d left the curtain wide open and - I shoulda figured out what you were gonna do before you did it. But then you reached down and grabbed your- grabbed yourself and scrubbed the metal across-”

Castiel felt like absolute scum when Dean opened his eyes and they were shiny with unshed tears. He wanted to stop Dean from having to relive what he saw but Castiel knew this was probably the last words he’d hear from his friend so he chose the selfish path, as always, and let Dean continue to suffer.

“It had to hurt like a bitch, but even still you barely made a noise. I got to you as fast as I could. You fought me when I tried to get the steel away from you, tried to keep- doing what you were doing. Slippery as fuck. But I finally got it away and it was like someone just cut your strings. You looked right at me but it was like I wasn’t even there. I wrapped you up in a towel and sat with you on the floor trying to make sense of anything. Then you started talking.”

This was it. 

“You kept saying things like  _ bad _ and  _ wrong. Just do it already or he’ll know. _ Cas, I… I shouldn’t have pressed, I knew you weren’t right, but I had to know. I’m so sorry, but I  _ had.  _ So I asked, who’d know what? You said  _ Dean. Dean will know I’m just a disgusting freak in love with his best friend.” _

Castiel couldn’t breath. He also couldn’t keep looking Dean in the eye so he shifted to looking at the small thread coming off Dean’s t-shirt at the shoulder seam.

“Cas, we’ve been friends most our lives, how- why would you  _ ever _ think I could think that about you?” Dean pleaded, his voice pained.

Castiel forced himself to take a breath before he spoke quietly.

“I heard you.”

“What?” Dean asked, the confusion clear in his voice.

“You and Gordon. I heard you in the locker room talking. I forgot something in your car and went back to get the keys. Gordon was trying to tell you… well I guess he was trying to tell you the truth. That I was a disgusting  _ faggot _ that you needed to cut out of your life before I ruined it. You-” Castiel cut off as he barked out a harsh laugh. “You did your best to defend me, because you didn’t know I didn’t deserve it. But he pushed and you said if it was true then you’d deal with it.”

“Shit Cas. That. I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay Dean. I understand. I just wasn’t ready to lose you. I was selfish. So I made sure when you came to ask me if I- If I’d ever had sex with a girl that I could answer honestly without screwing everything up. I thought it would make everything okay.”

“What do you mean? Cas, what did you do?” Dean had shifted again and was back to rubbing his thumb gently against the line of Cas’ jaw and Castiel couldn’t figure out why he was still touching him.

“I called Meg up and had her meet me in the closet by the third floor bathroom so when you asked me if I was a virgin I could say no without lying.” Castiel swallowed the hard lump that formed thinking about Meg, another friend he’d hurt because he was built wrong.

“Cas, are you… do you even like girls like that?” Dean asked, his voice sounded strained.

In for a penny in for a pound.

“No.” Castiel whispered as he shifted so he was looking up at the ceiling again.

“So you… you made yourself do that. You were gonna make yourself… with Bela. Just cause I wanted you to.”

There it was. That twist of disgust in Dean’s voice.

“I should go, my parents are probably-”

Castiel had barely started to sit up before Dean’s arm tightened its hold.

“Please don’t run Cas. We need to talk.  _ I _ need to talk, and you need to hear me.” Dean said, voice barely above a choked whisper as he leaned in to rest his forehead against the side of Cas’ head, puffs of air warm against Cas’ ear.

“Okay” Castiel managed to get out, doing his best to steel himself to Dean’s words.

“That wasn’t the first time you- you hurt yourself like that was it.” Dean said, his words implying a question but his tone a statement.

“No.” Castiel said slowly. “I started after Meg. I had these dreams about having sex with a woman. And sometimes I’d wake up… aroused. I was ashamed of them and I didn’t want to get pleasure from them. So I found ways to take care of the problem.”

“These dreams were about girls, and sex?” Dean asked, his voice unreadable and Castiel was too much of a coward to turn and face him.

“Yes.” Castiel answered hesitantly, ashamed of the half truth.

“And you got hard from them?” Dean continued to prompt.

Castiel nodded silently, an idea of where this was going and not wanting to tell Dean why he was wrong. Of course Dean went there anyway.

“So… so maybe you’re not actually gay Cas. I mean not that there’s anything wrong with that but maybe you’re bi or somethin’.” Dean rushed on, his voice a strange mix of hope and guilt.

“It wasn’t the girls. I wasn’t alone with them. The ones I’d wake up… like that, I was with you. Not  _ with _ you but…with you while we were with other people.” Castiel forced himself to say, like he was confessing his greatest sin. “I’m so sorry Dean.”

“No, Cas. Please, don’t... you don’t have to apologize.” Dean said..

Why was Dean dragging this out?

“I had to picture you.” Castiel spit out.

“What?”

“With Meg. To get it up and to get off. I had to picture you to do it.” Castiel elaborated, finally ready to just get this over with.

As much as Castiel wanted to hold onto his last moments with Dean it was becoming to painful.

“It’s okay Cas. I-” Dean started.

Even now Dean was showing how good he was.

“No! It’s  _ not _ Dean!” Castiel nearly yelled as tears of shame, hot and wet, began to slip down the sides of his face. “I  _ used _ you! I knew you’d never want to be thought of by me, by anyone like me, like that and I  _ used _ you! It’s disgusting!  _ I’m _ disgusting! I-”

“I love you.”

The words were whispered so softly against Castiel’s tear dampened skin and yet they were said with such unwavering conviction that it brought his loud tirade to an immediate halt. As scared as Castiel was that he would turn and see mocking, laughing eyes Castiel had to look. Had to know. So he turned his head slowly, until he was face to face with Dean. Nearly nose to nose they were so close. Dean’s eyes were closed but as soon as Castiel stopped moving they fluttered open and Castiel saw…

He saw so many things. Warmth, sadness, the soft glaze of tears, kindness. Not a bit of the hatred or disgust that Castiel had had waking nightmares about.

He saw love.

“Dean.” Castiel nearly whimpered, his head dizzy.

Part of him feared this was just a dream. The same part hoped if it was he’d never wake up. That he’d simply drift off in his sleep to leave the pain behind, his last memory of a dream that couldn’t possibly be true.

But there was Dean. Beautiful, kind, gentle, funny, smart Dean. And that was Dean’s thumb that had resumed the soft soothing drag up and down the side of Cas’ neck. And that was Dean’s mouth, that curled up in a gentle, content smirk that was so very him.

That was also Dean’s forehead, creasing as his eyebrows furrowed and his lips turned down again.  _ Shit. _

“Cas. We’re gonna keep talking about this, I promise. And I know I’m gonna have to shut down your argument that it’s not the same, that it’s just how a friend loves another friend. And I will. I’ll tell you how much I’ve desperately wanted to kiss you for years. How I’ve had plenty of my own dreams where you were the star, some even when I wasn’t sleeping.” Dean paused to take a breath and Castiel was too stunned to take advantage of the break. “But as much as I wish it would magically fix everything, the fact is you need more than a love confession. More than I can give you.”

Doubt immediately took hold. Of course Dean wouldn’t want him now, even if he had before. He was disgusting, broken, more work than he’s worth. But as quickly as those thoughts came, they melted away when faced with the steady gaze of green eyes.

“I know.” Castiel finally whispered.

And he did. He knew last night had been bad. That if Dean hadn’t been there, there was no telling what Castiel might have done. 

“That doesn’t mean I’m not gonna be there every step of the way. I’m not going anywhere now that I know I can have you. Heck, if it’s okay with you then next time we walk into that school together it’ll be with my arm around you so everyone knows you’re mine.” Dean said with a grin.

“I think I’d like that.” Castiel said shyly as he ducked his head down, embarrassed by the flush he felt creeping up his face as he pictured it.

Dean wasn’t having that though. He moved the hand that had been gently rubbing the sensitive skin below Cas’ ear and used it to tilt his face back up.

“First things first though. I think we should call someone, maybe Gabe if you’re not sure about your parents.” Dean said gently but firm.

Castiel nodded, some of the knots that’d loosened up suddenly reappearing. Of course he couldn’t keep this from his parents. Truthfully he didn’t know how they’d take finding out their son was gay. It wasn’t that they were bad parents or had ever given Castiel reason to believe they would be abusive. But they were deeply religious and Castiel was well aware of his church’s view on homosexuality. Dean was right though, his older brother Gabe would take on a whole army to protect Castiel if given the chance.

“There’s just one thing though, before we call him.” Dean started, and Castiel couldn’t help but be mesmerized as Dean bit down and worried at his lower lip. “I know it’s probably not the best timing and all but, before everything gets kinda crazy? I’d really like to kiss you.”

Castiel’s heart, which had finally settled into a steady calm rhythm, started pounding like mad. It wasn’t like he didn’t believe what Dean’d been saying. Dean was anything but cruel. But those were just words. This… this was real. Solid.

One deep breath to steady the erratic beat in his chest and Castiel managed to give a weak nod. The nervousness he’d seen on Dean’s face melted away, his abused lip freed to curl up into a soft smile before he was shifting closer, the hand on Cas’ neck moving to gently cup the back of his head.

When warm, soft lips brushed his, the sick twisting in his gut caught him off guard. He wasn’t sure what he had expected but Dean was right. This, whatever it was, was not a magic cure all. But then Dean was pulling away and Castiel couldn’t help but be surprised. He’d seen Dean kiss dozens of girls, always bordering on aggressive, long, wet and hard. Castiel was prepared for the doubts to creep in when Dean didn’t kiss him the same way. Instead, as he opened his eyes and met warm, hazy green, the low heat and butterflies he expected  _ during _ the kiss came. There was no forcing himself to go on, no expectations from his partner. Anything more that would ever happen here would be what  _ both _ wanted and that’s what Dean was giving him with that sweet, simple, chaste press of lips. He wasn’t pulling away because he didn’t want Cas.

He pulled away because that gentle brush, that moment that connected them, was enough. Enough to tell Cas, yes this is real. Tell Cas, no I’m not going anywhere. Tell Cas, I know you probably don’t feel like you can trust yourself so for right now trust me and trust my love.

So Castiel did.


	5. Chapter 5

**Four Months Later**

“C’mon Cas! If we don’t get to the diner before supper you _know_ all the pie’s gonna be gone.” Dean pouted as Castiel finished packing his bag at a much more leisurely pace than Dean was okay with.

Castiel couldn’t help but chuckle. Dean was such a rock to Castiel in so many ways. His stability through everything. It was accurate to say that Gabe had been a force of nature when it came to championing for his baby brother. His parents had also taken the news much better than Castiel expected, though their acceptance may have been pushed along by the fact that Castiel came out to them while laying in a bed in the psychiatric wing of the hospital. Still, it was Dean that had been there every step of the way, making sure Castiel didn’t forget that Dean didn’t think he was wrong, didn’t think that Cas’ past choices made him dirty. It was Dean that seemed to instinctively know when to back off a bit and give Castiel space to process on his own. It was Dean that never let him forget or dismiss how much he was loved. Often times Castiel had a hard time remembering that Dean was still just a teenage boy like him, his maturity making him seem much older that he was.

Then there was times when Castiel questioned if his boyfriend was actually a five year old boy in disguise. It often happened when pie was involved, or more specifically when someone was interfering with his ability to get said pie. Like now.

“Are we meeting Sam and your parents at the diner or the cabin?” asked Castiel as he purposely stood at his dresser longer than necessary pretending to decide between one t-shirt or another.

The high pitched whine that escaped from Dean’s throat as his shifted anxiously from foot to foot had Castiel doubled over with laughter. Dean’s eyes narrowed down to glare at Castiel briefly but he couldn’t hold back the smile at seeing his boyfriend in such a state.

“At the cabin. I’m gonna wait in the car. Maybe that’ll get you to move your ass.” Dean growled as he spun around and headed out the door and down the hall.

“You love my ass!” Castiel yelled after him.

Dean’s faltering footsteps drew his attention momentarily but then Dean was moving again so Castiel dismissed it and finished packing before he finally joined Dean in the car.

The drive to the Winchesters’ cabin was a long one but Castiel always enjoyed it. He’d spent a lot of time there over the past couple of months, though not as much as he’d have liked since he could only come on the weekends. His weekdays were commandeered by appointments with his therapist, group therapy and summer school. Unfortunately since the last month of his senior year was spent as an inpatient unraveling years of internal trauma, Castiel had some time to make up to finish.

He and Dean’d never gotten the chance to walk into school hand in hand.

Thankfully the school board either had faith in Castiel’s ability to complete the work or were too spineless to tell the kid in the mental hospital no so he’d been able to march with Dean and the rest of his class.

That had been the real test of how well Castiel’s therapy was actually working. There were a lot of demons wrapped up in school for Castiel. It was clear things had changed while Castiel was away though. The only time Castiel spotted Gordon was right before they lined up to head out onto the field. He met eyes with Castiel briefly but almost immediately he ducked his head and went on his way.

The hardest by far was after the ceremony, when hats had been tossed and friends were cheering and embracing each other. Castiel couldn’t help but get swept up in the excitement and was laughing and smiling at everyone around him when he turned and found himself face to face with an equally happy Meg. It broke Cas’ heart to see how fast her smile died, that he was the cause of that. But as soon as Castiel started to choke out an apology Meg’s face was lighting up again, this time a little softer, a little warmer. She’d hugged him gently and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek before moving on. Just like that, one of Cas’ biggest demons was exorcised. He’d always regret how he’d treated her but knowing they would be okay made something tight in his chest loosen.

So this trip would be a last hurrah. Castiel had finished all his missing work and would be starting community college in just a couple of weeks. Dean had tried to give up his sports scholarship to his first choice university but Castiel had put his foot down. For one thing, it was only an hour away. Sure, Dean would be living on campus but they’d be able to take turns driving to each other and Skyping every night. Odds are, with their schedules they’d see each other just as much as if they were in the same town. Plus, Castiel would be joining him for the spring semester. Even if it made Castiel a little nervous it would be good for him to have to stand on his own, just a little. His recovery wouldn’t be real if it was entirely dependant on another person.

Castiel must have dozed off because the next thing he knew he was being startled awake by the closing of a door. He looked over as he wiped the bit of drool that had pooled between his cheek and the window and saw Dean sliding into the driver seat, having deposited a box and a couple of takeout bags in the back seat. Castiel shot Dean a look, brow raised, before looking back at the bags.

“Your mom’ll kill us if we show up with food after she’s cooked supper.” Castiel said.

“Well if you’re that scared of my mom then I guess I’ll just have to eat yours for you.” Dean retorted with a grin.

Castiel just responded by sticking his tongue out at Dean before returning to watching the scenery pass, but he couldn’t repress the small smile that curled the corners of his mouth.

Even though Castiel was focused out the window he couldn’t help but notice that Dean’s fidgeting increased exponentially the closer they got to the winding dirt drive that would carry them through the woods to the cabin and its private little pond. Which was odd and the opposite of the norm. Usually by now Dean would practically be one with his Baby but instead his fingers were beating a rhythm way out of sync from the music and he continually shifted in his seat, like the leather that was practically formed to Dean was suddenly foreign.

Castiel quickly forgot about it though when the turn for the drive came into sight. He was filled his own bittersweet excitement. He was overjoyed to be here but the fact that it would be the last trip until next summer tempered his joy.

A feeling that quickly morphed into confusion when they pulled up and found the dirt lot to the side of the cabin was void of vehicles. Dean’s parents always brought both vehicles but even if all three of the other Winchesters went into town they would only take one vehicle. That and Mary was always insistent on not stepping foot off the property on the first night there.

Castiel expected to see the same confusion he was feeling on Dean’s face but when he looked there was nothing of the kind. He pulled into his usual spot and shut the car off. Castiel waited a moment to see if Dean would say anything about his MIA family but Dean just stared ahead briefly as he rubbed the palms of his hands roughly against his jeans. Then Castiel was scrambling to follow as Dean got out of the car, grabbing their bags from the back seat before heading to the cabin.

By the time Castiel caught up to Dean, he already had the door unlocked and had left to deposit their bags in the room they’d claimed as their own at the beginning of the summer with surprisingly little push back from Dean’s parents. Before Castiel had a chance to follow, Dean was coming back down the hall, waving his hand at Cas’ attempt.

“Let’s eat before the food gets cold. The burgers never taste as good reheated.” Dean said as he settled into a kitchen chair, pulling the food bags open and distributing the contents between his spot and Castiel’s currently vacant one.

“Dean what-” Castiel started.

“Cas, please. Let’s just eat now. Talk after.” Dean interrupted, not looking directly at Cas.

Cas’ stomach was starting to twist into knots. Obviously something was up. Maybe… maybe Dean’d brought him here to tell him that he wanted to go off to school with a clean slate. A chance to be a dumb single college kid, not someone stuck with the weight of a fucked up boyfriend hanging round their neck.

Then Dean turned his eyes on Castiel and all his worries melted away. His raw nerves were soothed by the shining warm green eyes; happy, loving, maybe a little bit nervous, but not a bit malicious or cold. Castiel took a deep breath to feed his starved lungs before settling in silently next to Dean to devour the food in front of him.

They finished their dinner and cleaned up their trash. Dean started to leave the living room but when Castiel moved to follow him Dean turned and paused. The hint of nerves Castiel had seen before flared to life.

“Hey, why don’t you go ahead and put the oven on warm and get the pie in. I know how much more you like it when its warmed up in the oven instead of nuked.” Dean said, shifting his weight anxiously.

“Oh...umm. Sure.” Castiel said confused before he turned to do as Dean asked.

Of course Dean was gone by the time Castiel had removed all the non-oven safe wrapping and put the pie in the oven on the lowest setting. He hesitated briefly before leaving the kitchen to go find Dean. He wasn’t in the living room and Castiel didn’t see any reason why he would be in his parents’ room or the loft that Sam slept in. That left the bathroom and the bedroom since he hadn’t heard the front door open. Moving down the hall Castiel could see the bathroom was dark, door open. so that left their room.

As Castiel approached the other open door he saw a warm glow spilling through the doorway, too bright to be the small table side lamp but too dim to be the overhead light. Hesitantly he continued the walk down the hall til he turned and got a clear view of the room and he was struck breathless by the sight.

Dean stood next to the bed, which was covered by hundreds of petals, all different colors and shapes, that Castiel recognized as being from the small meadow he and Dean would occasionally escape to for some alone time. The light Castiel had seen from the hall came from dozens of candles all around the room turning the skin on Dean’s face and arms golden.

Dean smiled softly at Castiel before he glanced over at the bed, his gaze turning anxious again.

“Don’t worry Cas, I only took the ones that were ready to fall. I didn’t do anything that would hurt the bees.” He said as he gestured to the petals on the bed.

“Dean.” Castiel said in awe. “That must have taken you hours.”

Castiel wasn’t sure what touched him more, the fact that Dean had put that much time into the task or that he’d been so concerned over Cas’ slight obsession with the health and wellness of the local bee colonies. Still, Castiel couldn’t help but focus on what was being left unspoken.

“No big deal Cas. I know how important it is to you. Totally worth it.” Dean said with a shy grin.

Still…

“Dean, what… what is all this?” Castiel asked, unable to stop himself from twisting his fingers together nervously.

“Besides being entirely too cheesy?” Dean asked, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment enough to still show under the low lighting before he turned serious. “This is completely and entirely up to you. If you want to just lay here and cuddle while we smell the flowers one last time before we officially say goodbye to summer then that will be just perfect.”

Dean left the unspoken ‘but’ hanging in the air and Castiel knew that he could leave it alone and Dean wouldn’t think anything of it. And yet Castiel was surprised to find he didn’t entirely _want_ to leave it. That didn’t, however, mean that he was one hundred percent sure of what he knew was on the other side of that but.

“But?” Castiel heard himself prodding.

“ _But_ I’ve been thinking, and I’ve been talking to Pamela.”

Castiel couldn’t help but snort in surprise at that. Dean had been a little apprehensive when Castiel had told him that at his therapist’s encouragement he had signed paperwork that allowed Dean and his therapist to talk about everything Castiel related. As much as he encouraged Castiel to get the help he needed and would do anything to help him with it Dean had a pretty big aversion to dealing with his own crap and seemed to think even stepping into a shrink’s office would mean having his own head cracked open. As far as Castiel knew the two of them only spoke during joint sessions and when Pamela would call Dean to give him information to help with Cas’ ‘homework’ or ask questions when Castiel seemed to be particularly confused about the validity of his own recollections. The fact that Dean had evidently been seeking Pamela out meant that whatever this was, it was important enough to Dean to put himself out there.

Thankfully Dean only grinned and shook his head at Cas’ incredulity.

“I’ve been talking to Pamela,” he repeated. “And she thought that it would be a good thing to offer you. We both agreed that it needs to be absolutely clear that this is totally your choice and that nothing you decide will change anything at all about the way I feel about or reflect badly on your recovery.”

“Dean.” Castiel whispered softly, awe leaking into his voice as it became clear exactly how out of his comfort zone Dean had put himself with all of this.

Their relationship had been progressing physically as well as emotionally but only under the careful guidance of Pamela. Not in the weird, she watched and told them what to do and where to touch, kind of way. But every move forward was discussed with her prior to. The first time they’d kissed in a manner that wasn’t a little peck of affection. The first time kisses had moved past the lips and onto more open skin and hands had been allowed to roam above clothes. The first time beneath clothes. Castiel will never forget Dean’s face when Castiel brought up in a session that Dean wanted to give Castiel a blow job. Well, he forgot it briefly when Dean’s lips were wrapped around his dick and Castiel thought he was going to die from brain damage because of how amazing it felt.

So the fact that Dean had independently and entirely without Castiel to hold his hand gone to Pamela and asked about this… Castiel _knew_ how much that meant.

“Cas, you’ve been through so much. Some of it because of me, even if it was never intentional. Because of that, you lost something you can’t get back. And as much as we both know it’s an unimportant thing based on societal views on sex and relationships, you still lost it. I know it still hurts you. I…” Dean faltered briefly, having to look away for a moment to regain his nerve before looking back, his resolve strengthened. “You still have the chance to make it new though. You haven’t lost everything. I want to give you the chance to give it away… if… if you want to.”

Castiel was momentarily at a lost for words. Dean and Pamela had both worked long and hard to get Castiel to see that virginity wasn’t something that needed to be life changing. But Castiel had not been able to let go of the fact that he had wasted that moment so easily. He felt it almost like a physical loss that sometimes felt like a hole inside of his soul. Yet here was Dean, acknowledging his feelings on the matter even if he didn’t feel the same. Here was Dean offering him a chance to have that moment back. If Castiel was being honest he’d never really considered that he was still a virgin in some ways.

Not that Dean wouldn’t get any enjoyment out of this himself. Castiel couldn’t hide the grin when he considered quipping about Dean’s selflessness. But he knew how anxious Dean was to do this right, how worried he was that he would somehow screw up and set Castiel back. It was right there in his eyes, clear as day.

“Okay.” Castiel found his voice, though it was barely above a whisper.

Dean’s face lit up and some of the worry he’d been hiding poorly left his eyes.

“Yeah?” he asked, just as softly.

“Yeah.” Castiel said, more confident this time.

Dean started moving forward before stopping again, his hand hanging in the air where he’d started to reach for Cas.

“Promise you’ll tell me right away if you need to stop, no matter where we are.”

“I promise.” Castiel said, his heart squeezing at Dean’s concern.

“I mean it Cas, I don’t care if I’m halfway in and you decide you don’t want it. You gotta promise you’ll-”

“Dean!” Castiel raised his voice to stop Dean’s ramblings before he gentled his voice again. “I promise.”

This time it was Castiel that was moving forward until he was close enough to be wrapped in Dean’s arms. Then there was kissing. Now, they’d done all sorts of kissing over the last few months, nervous kissing, exploratory kissing, horny teenager kissing, even sloppy drunk kissing. This. This was something entirely knew. The way Dean kissed Castiel was something akin to worship. His lips moved against Castiel’s, his tongue tasted and memorized. His teeth grazed gently. It all amounted to a glorious prayer.

Somewhere in all the unspoken benedictions clothes were shed and Castiel found himself laying on cool sheets, the petal covered blanket having been pulled back. Still Dean gave thanks at the altar of Castiel as he left his own tiny blessings across every inch of skin. Until Castiel was practically writhing.

“Dean please.” Castiel whimpered.

Castiel was willing to ignore the slightly smug grin on Dean’s face as his swollen lips left the crease where hip met thigh so he could look up when Castiel began to beg because Dean’s next move was to reach under the pillow to retrieve a bottle of lube and a condom from where he’d evidently hidden it.

At the first touch of Dean’s slicked up finger Castiel couldn’t help but suck in a harsh breath. But Dean didn’t press in, merely circled the tight ring of muscles, massaging gently. His other hand moved to rub at Cas’ flexed thigh, encouraging him to relax. Slowly Castiel let out the breath he’d been holding and with it most of the tension. Dean kept rubbing the puckered skin until Castiel began to soften. Castiel willed himself to stay relaxed as the first press came and Dean’s finger slipped inside slowly.

Something must have read on his face though because Dean was leaning forward and kissing Castiel again, murmuring praises and promises against his lips. He must have been completely lost in the kisses because he didn’t even notice that Dean’d managed to get his entire finger in until the seeking digit brushed against something that had Castiel’s nerves lighting up and his body bowing tightly with pleasure.

From there the only thing that was difficult for Castiel was not coming before Dean was even inside him. One finger slowly and gently turned to two and then three as Dean stretched him, prodding at his prostate enough to keep him squirming with pleasure but backing off when it started to verge on too much. Then Dean was slipping free and Castiel couldn’t help but whine at suddenly being empty. But Dean was back, whispering in his ear all the ways he loved him as he pressed his latex covered erection against Cas’ rim.

Still Dean hesitated, as if Cas’ body language wasn’t absolutely screaming desperate need. Instead of using words to encourage Dean, Castiel wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist and tightened them, pulling him closer and causing Dean to press into Cas. They both gasped, almost in surprise, at how suddenly it was done. A quick little moment. But something about it felt so right. Dean bringing his offering all the way to the front door but Castiel being the one to take control and bring it in, so to speak. Then Dean was slowly pressing in further and thought fled Castiel faster than rats fled a sinking ship. Thankfully Dean had been so thorough with the prep and lube and Castiel only felt the small twinge of discomfort from something foreign where things didn’t usually go. That left him completely open to the overwhelming pleasure that flooded his body as Dean inched in until he bottomed out and stilled.

“Cas, baby. You okay?” Dean gasped out through gritted teeth as his tried desperately to hold onto his restraint.

“I… I’m good.” Castiel said, barely having enough air himself to form an answer. “Just, go slow… but not _too_ slow.”

And Dean did. Castiel could tell he wanted nothing more than to let his instinct take over, to thrust in hard and fast reaching for his own pleasure. But instead he made love to Castiel gently and sweetly. Not stopping, but slowing every so often to whisper praise, to make sure that Castiel was feeling as good as he was making Dean feel. When Dean’s movement’s began to falter he shifted his weight to one side to free up a hand to wrap around Castiel and pump in time with his thrusts until Castiel was crying out his orgasm.

Thankfully just when Castiel was inching torwards overstimulation Dean gave one… two… three more thrusts and then he stilled as he filled the condom. After Dean had carefully cleaned them both up Castiel curled up against Dean who had an arm wrapped around Castiel’s shoulders, running fingers through sweat dampened hair and humming softly against the top of his head

That’s when Castiel felt it.

The gaping maw that had been there for too long had been filled. The edges were imperfect and Castiel knew that this wasn’t over. Bits and pieces would slip through. He would probably always be a work in progress and his relationship with Dean, though important, couldn’t and wouldn’t be the perfect fix. Castiel saw the rest of his life being at Dean’s side but he had to accept that there was always the possibility that it wouldn’t be the case. He would need to heal for himself, to the point where if push came to shove he could still live a happy healthy life on his own.

But part of that journey to being ‘fixed’ took a giant leap forward tonight.

The night when he was finally able to give away what he thought he’d lost.


End file.
